The first week...

I'll admit I'm pretty jumpy right now. Yesterday while I was getting ready for the day, I missed two calls from different members of my family. I immediately panicked, thinking it HAD to be more bad news. I listened to my messages with a sinking heart, praying that God would get us through whatever I was about to hear. It turns out, it was nothing, just two loving family members thinking of me and offering support on Mother's Day morning. It really caused me pause as I took the temperature of where I was emotionally.

The flood, which started with such crazy hope and support, has left a bad taste in our mouths with the loss of Oscar. We understand it was just an accident and that these things happen and that it was just horrible timing, but for now, everything that reminds of of the flood and the change in our living status, also reminds of of our sweet, perfect family member who we rescued and in turn rescued us. Oscar was a balm to our family and the joy of arriving home each day. He was so unique with his personality and golden eyes, he stopped passers-by left and right as they wanted to meet him or ask about him. He loved us with abandon and was a constant companion. The very idea that we won't see him again is so overwhelming that I am still convinced he's just away, at a different house or something. It's easy to tell myself that as we're living in a different place, it's easy to imagine that when we get "home" from this trip, he'll be there waiting to greet us.

Then I remember that our home is stripped and the walls come out on Tuesday. I remember that the process to rebuild will take 3-4 months and that is after permits are received, which we've been told could take months in itself.

Yesterday, David and I were "out" hoping that being surrounded by people would stop the nearly constant flow of tears. He asked me what the "goals" were for the afternoon and I fell apart. I don't even feel like the same person. Is it possible to have tragedy like this shift your personality? The idea that I could process through a list and feel that I'd accomplished something in this afternoon was so foreign I was overwhelmed again at how our lives have changed in 8 days.

Friday evening, before the flood, I sat in the grass with Oscar and Molly for about an hour before David got home from work. They were so glad to see me and were running all over the yard. The grass was tall and Molly was jumping all around to catch up with Oscar. He would come by and say hi to me, lay down for a minute, and then when Molly would come tackle him again, he'd get up and run off with her close behind. David got home and Oscar immediately ran to the car, waiting for the first glimpse of his Daddy. They played and we talked outside for a few minutes and then I went inside to work on the computer and David stayed out to mow the lawn. He'd just purchased a hammock stand for me as my new favorite thing to do was just be outside in our large backyard with our dogs. They were so true to their nature in those moments, totally living in the moment, being distracted by every smell and sound, finding rest in simply "being." I had started a new habit of spending my first few moments in the evening with them, learning how to let go of the day and just breathe.

Saturday we ran a few errands, nothing big at all, just a few things from a few places. It was raining hard and I was glad to get home. When we were in the house and all the stuff was brought in from the car, we noticed that the flood waters were rising up the neighbors yard. David went to offer his help as Mike was moving lawn equipment and from that moment on our lives have been totally different. Who knew that standing in our bedroom, pushing aside the red curtain that my mom hand made for me years ago, that our lives were on the edge of change, a shift so large there would be no "recovering" just rebuilding? How could we know that we were about to experience the "before and after" moment that would define our married lives and our stories to our children?

Friday was a day of joy and tragedy we never expected. It was also the 2nd anniversary of our very first date. This week, David and I have shifted even closer to each other than before. This process feels more like two becoming one than did our wedding. It has done more to forge an unbreakable bond than any fun memory, or romantic moment. In the midst of the storm and loss, we are even more thankful to have each other and aware that every day together is precious, and no matter where we find shelter he is my home.

~ Hannah